Dear Miss Gluten-Free Manners: Is it rude to expect gluten-free options at parties?

Dear Miss Gluten Free, Manners is a column for people living with gluten disorders, such as celiac disease and gluten sensitivities, as well as those living with food allergies. We will answer your most pressing etiquette questions with care and honesty. Please submit your questions to jenny@goodforyouglutenfree.com.

A reader wrote to Miss Manners (aka Judith Martin), asking, “Is it rude to expect gluten-free options at parties?” Here’s a copy of what the reader asked:

Dear Miss Manners: I’ve had celiac disease for more than a decade, and it still hurts my feelings when people bring gluten-y cookies or cakes to group gatherings, and nothing for me. When I bring gluten-free items, everyone can partake. If someone is vegan, I’ll make sure to make treats without butter. We’re talking small groups of four or five people, including me. Would it be wrong to chide people for not bringing anything for me?-Gentle Reader

Wanna know Miss Manners’ response?

“Yes.”

Honestly, for an etiquette columnist, such a short response felt rude and dismissive. Even I have more manners than that. 

Since Miss Manners 100% lacks manners when it comes to living with a gluten disorder, like celiac disease, or a food allergy, I would respond to this reader with a kind response that doesn’t dismiss the feelings so many of us have in these same situations.

Here’s my response:

There shouldn’t be an expectation that every gathering will automatically include gluten-free options. Most people without food restrictions don’t think about it the way we do — and some may not feel confident cooking safely for someone with food restrictions.

That said, it’s understandable that it hurts. Food is connection. When everyone else can partake and you can’t, it can feel isolating.

The solution isn’t to resent or chide your friends. The more productive path is communication. Let the host know well ahead of time that you have celiac disease. Ask if you can bring a gluten-free dish or two to share, and ask if there are any dishes you could enjoy.

Expecting people to intuit your needs often leads to disappointment. Clear, kind communication leads to inclusion.

And that, Miss Manners, is how you kindly and empathetically respond to someone asking for your help.

Thanks for inspiring me to start my own column, because you obviously can’t handle such questions with care and warmth.

Got a question for Miss GF Manners (me!)? Email me at jenny@goodforyouglutenfree.com!. Then be sure to subscribe to my Friday newsletter so you can see my published response.