Welcome to Miss GF Manners, where I help you handle awkward gluten-free moments with grace and boundaries.
Email me your etiquette questions (jenny@goodforyouglutenfree.com), and I’ll answer them thoughtfully — and with the nuance and sensitivity our community deserves.
Here’s this week’s question:
Dear Miss Gluten Free Manners:
I have a friend who says she is “gluten-free” all the time, and then eats food that is not gluten-free almost every day. It upsets me as she is lying about being gluten-free.
I don’t think she can be both, as it’s an insult to the people in restaurants and food banks, etc., who are constantly trying to find gluten-free products for her, etc.
For example, she went on and on about being gluten-free at a food bank, then ate a [non-GF] scone on the way out. It’s driving me away, and I cannot stand her constant claims of being gluten-free!
What should I do?
Sincerely,
Annoyed with a Faker Friend
Dear Annoyed with a Faker Friend,
Oh, I feel this one. Truly.
When you live gluten-free out of medical necessity, it can be frustrating, and even hurtful, to watch someone treat it casually or inconsistently. It can feel like it minimizes your own effort, vigilance, and sometimes the fear that comes with needing to follow a strictly gluten-free diet.
But here’s where I want to gently shift your perspective, and it’s something I’ve had to work on myself.
Not everyone who says they’re “gluten-free” is doing it for the same reason or with the same level of strictness. Some people are medically required to avoid gluten, like those with celiac disease or gluten intolerance, while others are experimenting, cutting back, or simply trying to feel better. And yes, some people are inconsistent, while others struggle to be fully compliant because, let’s face it, a strict gluten-free diet isn’t easy. Most “diets” fail because they’re hard.
While it can be annoying to watch your friend go back and forth, it doesn’t necessarily make her a liar. It may just mean she’s on a different journey than you, and that she has different challenges, emotions, and cravings she struggles with, or her reasons for following a gluten-free diet are not the same as yours.
Where this does get tricky, and where your feelings are valid, is when someone’s behavior creates confusion or extra work for others, especially in settings like food banks, where resources and accommodations are limited, or in restaurants, where staff may go to great lengths to ensure a safe meal for someone who may not actually need that level of care. That can understandably feel frustrating and can, at times, minimize the very real needs of those who require strict gluten-free precautions.
But instead of getting frustrated, I’d encourage you to approach your friend with curiosity over judgment.
If this is a close friendship, you might gently say something like, “I’ve noticed you say you’re gluten-free, but sometimes you still eat gluten. Can you help me understand what that looks like for you?”
You may learn something you didn’t expect. Or, at the very least, you’ll open the door to a more honest conversation.
And if the behavior still bothers you, it’s okay to set quiet boundaries. You don’t have to take on the responsibility of advocating for her dietary needs or managing her choices.
At the end of the day, being gluten-free exists on a spectrum of choices, needs, and behaviors. For some, the goal isn’t perfection. And for those of us on medically necessary gluten-free diets who take our restriction seriously, the challenge is remembering that not everyone is on the same journey, or facing the same stakes.
With care,
Miss GF Manners
Got a question for Miss GF Manners? Email jenny at jenny@goodforyouglutenfree.com
Leave a Comment